A 1992 Honda Accord. It’s burgundy with dark gray leather interior. It has cruise control, heat, and air conditioning. It has a great sound sysetem, too! But best of all…

…it has a sun roof!!!!!! WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!! I can stick my head out of it and everything!!!!!!

Amy and I have decided to continue to date. This is not easy for her. A good friend rightly called me “wishy-washy”. I think that’s why T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” hit home to me. The poem starts out “Let us go then, You and I,” and I really think Prufrock is talking to himself. He is split. I am split.

Except where Prufrock is afraid of taking the risk of “disturbing the universe” I fear leaving bits of it undiscovered. What might I miss if I settle down? Is this the right choice? What if I’m wrong again? What if I’m reading into things too much? What if I’ve missed something? What if…(blah, blah, blah)?

That same friend who called kindly called me “wishy-washy” also gave me this, which is advice I think is from the Lord:

Stop relying on your feelings. They lie to you and send you in
wrong directions. Rely on God’s Truth and God’s Truth only. Sometimes
I think you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how you “feel” or
what you “want.” I put those words in quotes because, despite what our
culture says, I don’t believe that those are things we should be
seeking, or really even considering. When I have followed my feelings,
I have experienced temporal pleasure and been left in despair.
Following God is the only thing that will guide you in the right
direction.

I have a tendency to keep one foot in the door sometimes. This is not what God wants of me. Commitment means bringing that foot in even if you left your flip-flop on the other side.

Lord, thank you for your patience with me.
Thank you for changing me. Don’t stop it.
I need direction. End my “what if’s”.
“Seek first His kindom and His righteousness”
Help me dive in and just love.
You give good gifts, I know.
Amen.

Tomorrow I have to make a big life decision. My stomach is turning. I’ve prayed and fasted and talked to a lot of people I trust, but I still am not certain. I have fears and hopes on both sides.

I was thinking last night on my way home from work how different my life will turn out depending on what I choose tomorrow. I wish I could stall. But I can’t; I’ve already been given more time than I probably deserve.

It is odd to me that in the last three March’s at right about this time in the month life changing things have happened. I definitely didn’t plan it that way, but here I am again, the third March in a row that my life will be drastically different from here on out.

God help me.

1982 Toyota Corrola Tercel. Starts every morning, generally. DMV defines its hue as “rust colored”. Used to get 35mpg four months ago, now gets 15. Left wheel wiggles a little when hits bumps. Largish hole in catalytic converter leaking noxious gases directly beneath passenger seat. Only occasionally backfires. Small leak in brake fluid container. Windshield wipers don’t work. No heat.