September is a month that releases in me much joy, borderline mania even, and deep sorrow. The thing is, is that most of it is subliminal. Smells, colors, weather, the way light comes in through the window… they draw out some specific memories, but more simply, feelings that have no specifically attached memories, or at least memories that have been stored deeper than I want to go at ten in the morning.

September is my perennial amp. Feelings I often experience throughout the year get louder. Something similar to watching the Indy 500, but it’s me in the stands that’s racing at 220 mph and the car stands still. It usually during this month that I flip-flop between feeling I can live the rest of my life content with being single, travelling the world, and settle along the Canadian Rockies with a golden retriever, a cat, fireplace, and the Ender’s series and being barely able to get out of bed because my heart aches from loneliness. Where does this come from!?! I love it! I hate it!

I know it has something to do with wanting to share my experiences with someone who will stay with me for the rest of my life. I want to feel the pressure of a hand when I see a beautiful autumn sunset. I feel so alone today.