O, what a rotisserie chicken and a Dr. Pepper will do to the spirit!

Father, Father, Father. How do I get myself into these emotional messes? I let my focus get pulled off of You. I let myself worry. I obsess and turn ideas over and over in my head so furiously that I forget to trust You. I think I need to figure it out now. Relax. You are saying it now, I know. Breath. I know, I know. I forget so easily, though. I’m like a horse. I give you this stupid ultimatum, If You give me what I want, I’ll give you the reigns back. Dumb. Dumb! Forgive me. Help me lean into You again, remember my footing.

O God! I just want to scream that! O GOD! Sometimes I think You are punishing me. I hope. I hope You’re not like that. I’ll take that patience that You offer, but why do I feel like I have to unceasingly work for it? I thought this cup offer-flows! I know. You don’t have to tell me. I know. Why can’t You just come down and sit and talk with me on my bed before I go to sleep. Hold my hand and tell me that it will be all right? Why do I have to imagine it? I hate that. I feel like a conjuror sometimes. I would love just to feel the pressure of You just sitting there. Resting Your hand on my feet. I’d notice when You left to do Your other stuff, but I’d know You would be just in the other room. And if I called, You’d come. Why can’t it be like that? Yes, I know. Faith. Can you hear my groanings? You seem like an alien to me.

I want love, but I feel like Tantalus. What are You doing? What the heck!?! Yes, I am pitying myself. I should stop, but I fear if I do there will be no one. I know You have compassion, are the creator of it, but I’m in this dark pit. I almost wish I was getting hit with reeds or something to distract me, but nothing. I am exaggerating. It’s because I am American. Forgive me for my foulness. I know. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am! Oh, but why did you have to make me like this, with so much fricken emotion? No, I don’t want to be stoic, just balanced. Content. I think I am, then something passes in front of my eyes that I feel like I can’t live without, and I forget. Like a horse. Tame me, God. Whisper to me. Amen.