{"id":780,"date":"2014-01-04T01:16:55","date_gmt":"2014-01-04T00:16:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/?p=780"},"modified":"2014-01-04T15:59:58","modified_gmt":"2014-01-04T14:59:58","slug":"dark-days","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/2014\/01\/dark-days\/","title":{"rendered":"Dark days."},"content":{"rendered":"

The thing I am coming to accept, now in my mid-thirties, is that I will never be known. Not in the full way that I believed ten years ago was possible. That way where I can present my puss-ugly holes and necklace of dead babies and know that I am still wanted, loved more even. That way where the knower looks at me and sees the complexity, puzzle, \u00a0pessimism, and life ‘n shit and says, “Yes, I know you,” and I believe it. Someone hungry for me! \u00a0The one I imagine at the fire in the loneliest nights and riding thermals beside me on the brightest days. Please, please, PLEASE!!! Don’t fucking mention anything about a “God-shaped hole!” Or Jesus as my BFF that will never let me down. I haven’t given up on spirituality and all that, but I’ve outgrown imaginary friends.<\/p>\n

My ex-wife couldn’t handle my dark WAY<\/em><\/strong> before I fell in love with someone else. Then it was impossible. The closest thing I’ve had to a soul mate (whom I love in many ways, but never with eros) left my life without a word of explanation<\/a>. However, the throbbing hurt it caused and thoughtlessness of it fucked the shit out of any comfort I had from believing at least one person knew me. This hope and the hope I had for Heather and I to someday get to a place of deep knowing? Fuck it. I often find a place of santosha<\/a>, but it is a dark existence and the light of recognition flits in and out like a shooting star fizzling into the atmosphere.<\/p>\n

I am fucking getting tired of looking up. \u00a0And if and where I find the god that loves me like my heart needs he\/she\/they\/it will be living in the shit piles.<\/p>\n

*<\/a><\/p>\n

ps – Don’t worry about me. I’m fine and I don’t want to talk about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The thing I am coming to accept, now in my mid-thirties, is that I will never be known. Not in the full way that I believed ten years ago was possible. That way where I can present my puss-ugly holes and necklace of dead babies and know that I am still wanted, loved more even. … Continue reading Dark days.<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-780","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-on-my-mind","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/780","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=780"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/780\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":803,"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/780\/revisions\/803"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=780"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=780"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.joshlewis.org\/eddie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=780"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}