I’ve long been embarrassed to admit it, but Taco John’s is my favorite restaurant. It’s even in my Flickr stream. I’m not sure why I love them so much, but I do, and those that know me know I crave their fare. It’s not that their food is so uniquely tasty. It’s better than Taco Bell for instance, so it’s good enough to not kill you, but it’s not uncommonly good. I think it’s more that their food fits my personality. Not their brand, but their food. I’m not sure if I can explain that. The cheese, maybe? I don’t know.

However, the Taco John’s story isn’t all happy fun times for me. My Californian readers (or anyone who doesn’t live near one of these red dots) will notice they’ve never been to a Taco John’s. Maybe even never heard of Taco John’s. What this means is that the only time I get to visit my favorite restaurant is when I buy a $300 plane ticket to Minnesota (plus airfare for Steph and the pets) to visit my family there, and happen to stop off at Taco John’s, say, as the very first thing I do when I get off the plane. Hypothetically. And thus my craving continues regularly. I haven’t been to Minnesota since Christmas of 2005, and my craving has been growing ever since.

That’s what made a recent gift from my parents so difficult for me. They sent their well wishes on Steph’s and my seventh wedding anniversary. (It’s true what they say: marriage does keep getting sweeter and more wonderful if you nurture it. I used to think it was just Hallmark talk, but it’s really true.) They enclosed a kind gift for us to enjoy however we liked, perhaps with which to go out to dinner or a movie, or whatever. And then, in the height of insensitivity, they also included a small wooden “coupon-token” for a free Taco John’s taco.

I stared at it for probably ten minutes. My desire to redeem it was uncontainable, but for the fact that I couldn’t spring for the plane ticket. Typing furiously, I discovered the nearest location was only 223 miles from my house! Only! And Steph, wouldn’t it be fun to take a day to drive there for lunch and then be back in the valley for dinner? Hooray! No, she didn’t go for it. She decided that an early labor and having a baby randomly in Nevada didn’t sound like a nice weekend. Sheesh. Nevada’s nice! What’s she got against Nevada?

I was desperate. Desperate men do desperate things. So I called up Taco John’s and left them a message. I begged them to open a franchise in California. I told them how great The Valley was. I told them they were missing a massive audience. I told them my deepest, darkest desires.

Two days later, Lynne called.

"Hi Josh, this is Lynn at Taco John’s corporate office in Cheyenne. I got your message this morning. You were asking about Taco John’s in California. The reason we don’t have any there is because California is considered outside of our core territory. The core territory is the area which we have the best advertising opportunities, with a lot better brand recognition, and we are able to get product to the stores in those areas. Eventually we will probably be going into California, but I don’t see that as any time soon. However we have established that if a franchisee or a group of franchisees have the ability to build ten stores in three years or less, we would consider expanding into that area at that time. If you have any questions, you can call me back at 307-772-3949. Thanks, Josh. Bye."

Sooooo… anybody wanna open up ten Taco John’s locations with me? Anybody? It’s just three years. No?

*sigh*

I’ve written about Vonage in the past. Generally they’ve been a good phone provider, although in the last couple months we’ve had some troubles with them: dropped or garbled calls, lack of dial tone when we pick up the phone, unspeakable, fanged demons seeping from the router box, attempting to steal our immortal souls for their vile master’s pleasure. You know, standard voice-over-IP issues. We’re actually thinking about going back to the 1990s and getting an analogue landline for two to three times the price. (I’m only paying about $17 a month currently.) Going analogue would be a personal defeat, really. A public message that "my people" couldn’t work this one out. It’s hard for me. Please, a moment of silence.

One interesting feature of Vonage’s that we’ve been enjoying recently, though, is their Vonage Visual Voicemail. (Nominally, a ripoff of Apple’s Visual Voicemail feature on the iPhone, but that’s a separate topic.) Vonage has been delivering audio files of voicemail for years. The new feature is that they also include a transcription of the phone call (probably done by human operators) in the email along with the audio file. That way, if you’re in a location where it’s not feasible or polite to listen to your voicemail, you can just read it. Also, people tend to blabber a bit, so reading is often significantly faster than listening. Text is more search-friendly than audio, too. I digress.

For the first month or so, the transcriptions were pretty good. The service worked as advertised and I didn’t think much more about it until I started getting strange textual perversions of the actual calls. My theory was that Vonage got hip-deep in the provision of this feature and then went, “Oh, wow, this is expensive! Let’s have someone overseas do it!” Can you see where this is going?

I’d like to provide Exhibit A and Exhibit B for your perusal. Two very real phone calls that I’ve received recently, one of which was actually made by me. Feel free to compare the text you see with the audio you hear, and enjoy the hilarious fruit of this comparison. I paid fifty cents for your laughter, and I’d do it again!

The first call was made by my parents on my birthday. Now you all know the shocking truth: they love me! Actually, they sing like this every time they call, it’s just not usually that song. Sometimes Dad will do a little Tom Jones. Mom’s always good for a little Dale Evans. My dad’s rendition of “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails is just devastating. I swear, I cry like a little girl every time he croons, “What have I become?”

Audio of Exhibit A:

Text of Exhibit A: “Andy. Various pay to. A you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday d h Happy birthday to you. From mom and pop. very happy birthday we’ll love you sorry of issue. Well maybe try to call them but later or tomorrow or whatever but i hope is having a level of time. Even though you. Name you didn’t get your presence day. So i could help desk. Error. Or 2 weeks or 3 or 4 out of her or. Around you know. We love you and work. proud of you. Handle things are going well a few in with your lovely bride at all. She’s feeling better and not. Thing troubles with her tommy. That’s about it. Love you. Oh i thought i had.”

Take special note of the fact that the “Oh i thought i had” at the end there has no parallel section in the audio. A click and a pop? No, that’s not English.

The second call is one I actually feel quite guilty about in retrospect, having read my friend Ashley’s entry about the selfishness inherent in our reactions to the 35W bridge’s collapse. In all seriousness, I am very thankful to know all my Minnesota peeps are alright, but I just can’t imagine the pain felt by those families that lost someone in that disaster. If one of my family died there, I would… I would what? I can’t finish that sentence. Ashley admitted the guilt of her own initial reaction in her aforementioned entry. I’ll go one step further by letting you hear the actual moment my own sin was committed, in the hopes that you might learn from my mistakes. And perhaps laugh at Vonage. That too.

Audio of Exhibit B:

Text of Exhibit B: “Hey. How this josh. I just figured i would let you know that she just called in. Mom. after hearing my parents nowadays it you may have just try it because it was covered in the same way this 1 will they. And i. You know just to make sure that everybody was okay and they are. i am as far as i know there are no relatives or or other people that work. In. Degrades collapse. So you know i mean i’m sure people in different but we don’t. Know then. Hopefully anyway. To study do not update. Fights.”

To study do not update! Fights! Truer words were never spoken.

I have just a few guesses as to why Vonage would send such horrible transcription of otherwise-decent audio. First, I’m betting the people doing the transcribing are very rushed, and can’t stop to correct mistakes. I’m also betting they listen to the voicemail at higher speeds than we’re hearing it here, in order to transcribe each call in less time. I’m also wondering if it could be a computer, but I honestly doubt it.

So, this may be the end of Vonage for us. We’ll see.

Steph wants to make a t-shirt that simply reads, “Say ‘Heck No!’ to Techno.” I like techno, but I’ve gotta admit, that would be a great shirt.