Things are unstable. I feel this in my life. My emotions are all over the place and I am not consistently good when I’m alone too much, which has always been a sign for me that I need to get my shit together. I am in one of the loneliest times of my life and my spirit house is getting a total overhaul. For the good, I believe, but this hall of mirrors is killing me. I don’t have the the regular Christian check-ins that say, “You’re doing good! Way to be working for the kingdom.” Man, sometimes I just want to feel like I’m not a bad guy despite the shit I’ve done and that “at least God loves me.”

And then I have this part of me that so badly wants to share the wonderful things in this world with someone. To sit on a tall wall and watch the sun play on the parallel lines the planes leave in the sky as it sets. And to kiss and to hold and to make love and to dream and to eat yoghurt out of the jar together. And here’s is the craziest part. I have never in my life had so strong the desire to have children. I still want to hold off for a few years(which won’t be too hard given my current state), but I am sometimes very near tears from the thought of the love I already have for them. The love I am SO ready to pour into them. I want to be the Giving Tree. Not sure if it’s just my physiology of my age or what.

But then I remember that I need find my grounded-ness again. I need to let my compass settle after this astroid I called out of the sky. I need to find again how to be ok with lonely. And lonely in another country.  Staying off Facebook these last several days has helped. I do remember last time I was single for a long stretch the animosity I would sometimes feel for happy couples. I’d come back from tour and everyone else would have a boyfriend or girlfriend to pick them up from the airport. I’d take the tram and haul my suitcase into my quiet apartment and try to take advantage of my time.