Steph wants to make a t-shirt that simply reads, “Say ‘Heck No!’ to Techno.” I like techno, but I’ve gotta admit, that would be a great shirt.

Might be kinda hard to fit in my pocket. I need bigger pants.

I CAN HAZ LOLSHIRT?

(For the confused, a primer on lolcats. These make Joshua very happy.)

It’s a popular practice to play music for your baby while it’s still in utero (although I don’t know how popular actually playing Nirvana’s In Utero might be). Steph and I have purchased a cheap pair of headphones that are flexible enough to stretch out and cling to her belly, and we occasionally entertain the kid with some tunes. Previously, it’s been mostly Steph’s music. He’s reportedly reacted well to common baby music, but also to Madeleine Peyroux, so I figure there’s hope for his tastes yet.

To that end, I chose to play him some Beck tonight. Some “experts” who have “doctorate degrees” and have studied child development and psychology for “decades” will tell you that rock music, or whatever it is that Beck plays, is “too complex” for a baby to understand. I would point out that actually understanding Beck’s music is a step in the wrong direction for those who want to appreciate his work, but I digress. I carefully avoided Analog Odyssey (you may choose to do the same) and chose three songs that I wanted my boy to hear, and we stretched the headphones out and plugged him in for a mini-concert, sans-puppets.

The first (which, regrettably, is not on iTunes) was “He’s a Mighty Good Leader”, from Beck’s early album One Foot in the Grave. I thought it would be hard to start him off with anything simpler than this without removing rhythm and notes altogether. The song almost removes the rhythm by itself. He seemed to like it.

The second song I picked is one of my personal Beck favorites, although no one would probably guess it: “Ramshackle”, off the smash hit Odelay. The plodding calm of that song catches me every time. It’s just gorgeous. I want to be there with Beck, strumming my guitar, tapping my foot, lazily droning that chorus. Stuck together, one and all.

Steph requested something more upbeat for the last one. I figured that something a bit more pure, tonally speaking, might be an interesting contrast, so I pulled out “Bad Cartridge” [E-Pro] from his GameBoy Variations EP. Steph was initially concerned that it would be too much for his little ears, but considering the fact that this particular EP is too much for the ears of most of humanity, I trusted that the genes would sort it out. I mean, I at least want him to know what video games used to sound like, don’t I? Don’t I have that responsibility?! Yes. Yes I do.

I went over to DadLabs.com the other day to check out their wares, and I happened upon a DVD video called Due Dads: The Man’s Survival Guide to Pregnancy. Let me give you an excerpt from the description text, so that I might make a point:

Even though expecting a baby has nothing to do with football playoffs, grilling excellent steaks, margin calls, fuel injection, or cold brewskis, this DVD will teach you the skills that will get you safely and happily to that big 0th birthday.

Let’s review that for a second, shall we? These are the things dads are into, or at least know a lot about:

• Football playoffs
• Grilling excellent steaks
• Margin calls
• Fuel injection
• Cold brewskis

If you know me well, this list will strike you in one important way: I score a zero out of five on this list. (I don’t know what the frick a margin call is.) Lists like this make me stop and ask what kind of “man” I am. I seem to have a hard time fitting into the stereotypical man mold. I don’t know why that is. I’ve always been generally disinterested in sports. Grilling bores me. Cooking in general bores me, actually. And… having looked up “margin call” on Wikipedia, I’m only lightly into investment and stocks. I’ve traded some stocks, but I’ve never spoken to anyone who would call themselves a broker. Finishing off the list, I’ve never liked muscle cars (although I do know a beautiful ride when I see one). I pretty much only drink alcohol when it would be rude of me not to.

When I read the list to Steph, she knew what I was getting at immediately. Her answer: “You’re a geek. Of course you don’t like any of those things.” So she suggested I rewrite the sentence. Here you go:

Even though expecting a baby has nothing to do with playing World of Warcraft, coding excellent CSS-based layouts, margins and padding, DOM injection, or Cold Fusion, this DVD will teach you the skills that will get you safely and happily to that big 0th birthday.

Yeah. Now I’m ready to not buy that DVD.

Steph and I have been buying (and receiving generous gifts of) baby clothing lately, preparing for the imminent September arrival of our own progeny. As we were sorting the clothing into size bins (which, for the first year, goes in groups of three-month chunks! Interesting.) I came upon a tiny shirt with the tag you see here: McBaby. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s a fine shirt. My son will wear it, and I’m sure it’ll serve its purpose well. But the brand begs a question.

What in the world could McDonald’s be thinking? If there’s one thing I know about business, it’s this: inefficient diversifying is death. What you say “no” to as a business is far more important than what you say “yes” to. Put another less interesting way, “Do very few things, and do them well.”

I’m trying to put the ideas of fast food and baby clothing together. I understand that McDonald’s occasionally strays off the path of fast food to invest in more noble pursuits, but that doesn’t logically include the fashion industry. This clothing is a for-profit deal.

You can’t argue that they’re doing it to expose babies to the McDonald’s brand and logo as early as possible, because the logo is on a tag inside the shirt, behind the baby’s head. Perhaps this is for poltergeist babies? Either way, it’s not exactly eye-catching for a kid who’s already busy contemplating the ceiling fan, and wondering what his hands are.

Is it branding for mind share of the parents, then? Or whoever dresses the kid? Perhaps, but again, why not just be direct and advertise your food if you’re a restaurant? Why get into an entirely new business model, new outlets, new partners, new strategies, just for one more logo that only new parents will see, and only occasionally at that? Their brand isn’t that saturated, is it?

It can’t be the cool factor. McDonald’s restaurants aren’t nearly as rare as Hard Rock, for instance, so the shirt doesn’t have that “traveller” appeal. I think everyone assumes I’ve been at least 2 miles from home. Nothing to brag about, you know? McDonald’s brand by itself isn’t really so “cool” as it is “fat and lazy”, so I doubt they’re just trying to do this on brand strength alone.

I’m absolutely perplexed. Help me out here. Why was McBaby a good idea? How could a company with this much experience in brand recognition throw effort away like that?

(I understand that in the big picture it doesn’t matter. I’m honestly just trying to see if there’s a lesson in here somewhere that I’m totally missing.)

Yet another great band name I thought of this weekend: Steam Weasel. Major bonus points if you can name the inspiration.

(I’m considering making an entirely separate section of my blog for these things. Then again, it breaks up the flow of the entries nicely, so maybe it’s OK to keep it here.)